Prefers Mommy

My one-year-old daughter has begun to favor me over her father, especially in the morning, before bed, or when she gets hurt. She actually screams if he tries to pick her up. My husband is taking it personally and is getting jealous of my relationship with our daughter. Is this a developmental milestone or is it a matter of me being the one who usually takes care of her needs (diaper, feedings, bath, bedtime routine, etc)? My husband sometimes does these things, but quickly hands things over to me when our daughter becomes cranky. How can we work together?

This is one of my favorite questions, mostly because in families with two responsive and consistent parents preference is both typical and changeable. Our daughter as a toddler demanded “Dada, no mama!” Both she and you are fortunate to share parenting with another committed adult and rest assured that preference will go back and forth many, many times.

The key is to manage our feelings as adults. Here are a few helpful strategies:

Understanding Child Development Infants and toddlers are figuring out their role in relationships, how to get their needs met in more complex ways, and how to communicate. It is quite typical for very young children to work on this in the context of one special relationship at a time. Having a go-to-adult is a sign of healthy and robust development, particularly during the first two years of life. As she gets more of these strategies down, she will naturally broaden her network of go-to-adults.

Support Each Other While it feels great to be the go-to-adult and not so great to be “number 2” there are advantages and disadvantages to both. Maintain clear and supportive communication with each other, and remain willing to hear about each other’s parenting experiences. Believe me, the strategies you develop in supporting each other now will pay off in spades when your children are teenagers!

Build Favorite Activities Each parent and child can build a repertoire of favorite activities to do together. My husband was the one who read books and tucked each child in at night. He still talks about this as one of his favorite parts of parenthood. Being involved in everyday activities is the primary way in which relationships are built and maintained. Even with a year-old baby, it’s not too early to each think about the rituals or favorite activities that you want to share.

By staying supportive of each other and your daughter’s process of developing relationships, you’ll both keep your eye on the long-range goal of raising a healthy child. 

 Happy Mothers Day!

A fancy brunch wasn’t something we usually did but I insisted on going out for my first Mothers Day. After all, wasn’t that what families did on Mothers Day? My husband dutifully took me, our four-day-old newborn, and my mother-in-law to a nice restaurant. I remember exactly what I wore 22 years ago and how I felt. I waited for a wave of joy that didn’t come. Perhaps, I thought, I wasn’t quite yet a mother.

After having three children in three years, I was happy to give up the Mother’s Day brunch. I changed my request to two solitary, uninterrupted hours to plant flowers in our garden.  And, I've figured out that setting aside one day a year to appreciate mothers puts a lot of pressure on everyone. Here are my suggestions for a lovely Mothers Day:

• Only go to brunch, if you really love brunch.
• Choose a family activity that your children like.  A friend of ours always goes bowling on Mothers Day and it is the only day all year that she goes bowling.
• It’s so much easier on everyone to build thanks and appreciation into every day moments. It’s like collecting a bouquet of appreciation flowers over the course of a year and takes the pressure off of this one day.
• Spend an hour or two doing something you love that doesn’t involve the children.  Part of being a great mother is creating happiness for yourself. 
• And, never do laundry on Mothers Day, even when your children have nothing to wear on Monday.

Happy Mother’s Day – everyday.