Lashandra Armstrong

The message I would have wanted Lashandra Armstrong to hear before she made her tragic choice.

Pregnancy and childbirth can be joyful celebrations but these major changes can also bring significant worries, doubt, unhappiness, and ambivalence. Even the most competent mothers grapple with uncertainty and discontent. Yet, when we don’t voice our concerns and get the support we need, our self-doubt about motherhood can start to define our whole experience.

Is mothering different than you had planned?

Just by asking an honest and painful question, you’ve already done something positive for yourself and your baby.

If your feelings interfere with your daily routine; coincide with extreme fatigue, sleeplessness or overwhelming feelings of sadness, agitation, or guilt, make an appointment with your doctor. If you have feelings or thoughts that make you want to hurt yourself or someone else, let your doctor, family member or a friend know.  It is not a sign of weakness but strength to ask for help.

There are plenty of excellent post-partum treatment options for depressed feelings and excessive worries that can make you feel much better.  And yes, treatment can be counseling.  And, yes treatment can include medication.  And yes, it is effective. The goal of treatment is to help you re-find joy in your life and in the lives of your children.  You deserve to feel joyful and engaged.

While you get treatment, explore who could be part of your emotional safety net.  There are people who care about you and about your children.   There are people who will be there when you call for help and can help to sustain your children’s happiness while you work towards health. 

Be sure to let yourself accept the help you need: you and your children deserve to be healthy. 

Getting to Sleep? 

I am the mother of 2 1/2 year old boy/girl twins. They share a bedroom and have always had a strict bedtime. For the past 6 months or so, bedtime has become increasingly difficult. It takes about 2 hours for them to finally go to sleep after going in their room for the night. They fight, play, move their beds around the room, turn the light on and off, come out into the living room... I've tried several things: they have no toys accessible, but sometimes I give them each a toy to keep in bed and tell them that I will take it away if they don't behave. I usually take the toy away within 2 minutes, and they don't even mind. I've offered rewards, tried special nightlights, etc. Nothing works! I've run out of ideas and would appreciate your advice. Thank you in advance!

I can feel your exhaustion. A smooth transition from wakefulness to sleep is essential for everyone’s health and well-being. There are few key steps to developing a successful resolution:

1)    Shift your Goal: Think of this effort as a process to reduce the lag time between getting in bed and falling asleep, rather than how to get your children to go to bed. We know with adults that sleep onset typically happens within 20 minutes. In your two-hour nightly ritual, the first hour and a half is most likely spent battling the “let’s keep playing” strategies. Rethink your schedule. Perhaps your children need an hour to play, 30 minutes for bath and books. And then, finally, 20 minutes can be “let’s get to sleep” strategies.

2)    Customize Your Family’s Strategies: What works for your sister-in-law’s child may not work for your children. Your children’s bodies might need different things or have different patterns. My first child slept 12 hours at night: my second slept in 20-minute shifts! When it comes to sleep, fraternal twins may have as different needs at night as they do during the day.

3)    How Much Sleep do They Need?: With the idea of reducing the amount of transition time needed to go from awake to slumber, evaluate your children’s overall needs for sleep. A newborn will sleep 75% of the day. Toddlers shift to one nap a day and then towards 10 hours per night for a typical 5 year old. Physical activities, growth spurts, leaps in language or motor development can cause temporary fluxuations in the total number of hours required. Mandatory rest time in childcare or afternoon naps reduce the amount of sleep needed at night.

4)    Evaluate Need for Reassurance: The total of number of hours of sleep needed changes. So do children’s needs for preparation, comfort, and reassurance. Two and three year olds become more aware of the separation that comes with falling asleep at the same time that their imagination and use of language emerge. Setting up rituals that allow for preparation for sleep (bath and pajamas) as well as reinforcing connections (reading books or rocking in the chair together) allow for reassurance and predictability. “Two books, then lights out.”

5)    Evaluate noise, light and sound. It is really hard to fall asleep when you think your parents or siblings are having fun without you. New research on adults suggests that the light from computers, televisions and handheld devices, stimulates brain activity making sleep less likely.

6)    Consistent Enforcement: Once the expectation is for sleep, keep the room quiet, dark (perhaps with a nightlight) and cool. Make sure your children’s comfort items are close at hand (blanket or teddy). Whether you offer them reassurance by sitting in the rocking chair until they fall asleep, or check on them in 15 minutes, stay consistent with your plan for reassurance. Even when they venture out to check on you in the other room, gently and with as few words as possible lead them back to bed for sleep.

It might take a couple of weeks to make the change but you will use this process of evaluation and strategizing for years to come.