Troubling Tantrums

I am the mother of a 19-month-old son who throws about 10 tantrums a day with each lasting about 5 minutes. During the tantrum, his face turns red, he bites things around him, kicks, bucks, throws himself on the floor, rolls around, the works! He often hits himself in the face or bangs his head on a wall. The pain puts him in even more of a tizzy.

While he is having the tantrum, I try to keep him safe, use a soothing voice, and never reprimand him for expressing himself. Sometimes I pick him up and he hits me or pulls my hair and tries to squirm away. Then I'll set him down and try to act normal while ignoring the tantrum. Other times, I'll try to distract him with a toy or game. While these tactics can shorten the tantrum, they don't really reduce their intensity or frequency.

Sometimes I understand why he is frustrated but other times I feel clueless about what set him off. Other than pointing and using body language he doesn't have many ways of telling me what he wants. I've tried (not very hard) to teach him some baby signs but he never really picked up on them. What are some other ways we can communicate given his age and lack of words? Also, do you have any recommendations of how I can respond to his tantrums so that he doesn't get so mad? Thanks!

Sometimes the truest thing I can say is “Keeping it going. This too shall pass.” My confidence comes from the variety of strategies that you are using, your voice, your body, following his cues, ignoring, redirecting, distracting as well as providing a sense of calm. Sometimes our biggest job in a toddler tantrum is making sure it doesn’t bring out the worst in us. (When that happens, we need to count to ten, breath deeply or turn the tantrum over to our parenting partner.)

You’re right: usually big feelings and lack of communication skills underlie toddler tantrums. However the specific source of the frustration is often hard to identify. Five minutes into a tantrum even the toddler can forget what set him off. However, you and your toddler are both certain that he is mad and wants you to know it.

When distraction and redirection don’t work, here are some other strategies to try:

• Focus your language on his feelings. Use your words, tone of voice, facial expressions and hand gestures to communicate, “You are mad!”
• Let him know that you won’t leave, that you’ll just wait for him to be done being mad.
• Set a goal for after he’s done being mad, “When you are all done mad, we can still play.”
• Acknowledge the end of the tantrum “All done mad” and then move on to the next activity as promised.

When tantrums happen in public places, these scripts can also help you assure the people around you that you’re handling it by waiting until he is “all done crying.”

It sounds like you are paying close attention to language acquisition. He should have a few go-to words by now. If you have any worries, check with your primary care provider or local school district. You may also want to look for sensitivities to sight, sounds, and textures. If you notice that his reactions to sensory experiences are different than you would expect, create a log of reactions and share this with your provider as well.

Hang in there! These days are long but the years are short.