Violent Expressions

I am a full-time babysitter for a boy who is almost five. When he says that he loves or likes someone or some creature (dog or cat), he immediately follows the expression of love with a comment of destruction or harm. “I love you. I would like to kiss you and then rip out your face.” Or he’ll say “I love our cat and after I pet her I will chop her up.” I hear this sort of comment on almost a daily basis about parents, peers, animals, and even animated characters in his Wii games.

At times he says that he hates everyone in the world. Ten minutes later he says he likes everyone. He also feels that no one likes him. He is very hyper and controlling, always wanting to be in charge.

I can deal with his activity level and need for control but the love/violent comments are unsettling. I’ve never heard a child express feelings like that and wonder what the cause might be. Thanks for any insight...

Some children experience feelings with an intensity that is confusing for both the child and adults. It sounds as though this young boy is struggling to make sense of intense feelings—both positive and negative. His activity level, engagement with others, and roller coaster feelings all point to a child who may have difficulty finding and maintaining “neutral” or calm states.

There are several things that you can do to help him (and you) better understand and manage his emotional experience.

• Label feelings like excitement, anger, sadness, joy. “You are really excited.”
• Recognize for him the intensity of his feelings. “You have big feelings.” “Sometimes your feelings are so big that you need to take a deep breath.”
• Help him build more appropriate social interactions skills by redirecting his negative statements. “It’s not okay to say X, but you can say ‘I’m mad.’”

He is giving you important clues in the statements he makes regarding himself. My guess is that his sense of self worth and esteem could use a boost. With such a busy and intense internal system, it might be hard for others to stop correcting him and find enough opportunities to enjoy and praise him for meaningful activities. Other children may reject him out of the same confusion.

Children who experience the world with intensity are particularly vulnerable to negative and aggressive content in their surroundings. You and his parents might review his access to aggressive or violent media.  He also may be particularly sensitive to, as well as, interested in watching others engaged in arguments but have difficulty deciphering the issues and emotions of those involved.

He won’t be able to have positive and engaging relationships with other children until he has a strong sense of confidence in himself and in his caring adults. And it probably scares him, too, that he can’t control these intense and violent thoughts. Hopefully, you can share your ideas and strategies with his parents. Given the intensity of his feelings about himself and others, his parents may want to seek help from an early childhood mental health professional.  A mental health provider is someone who helps kids maintain relationships, regulate emotions and learn. Intervening now may help him, and the caring adults in his life, develop tools for creating and maintaining positive social relations and ways for communicating and managing emotional experiences.  With kindergarten on the horizon, this is a great time to firm up his path for success.