Can a two-year-old be a bully? 

In my son’s childcare room there is another two year-old that is very aggressive. He is kind of a bully and always hitting the other children. My guess is that there are some problems in the family. I don’t want my son to get hit by this boy but I don’t know how to help. What should I do?

Many parents wonder about why two-year-olds hit. It’s common to assume that the young child is learning about it by being hit himself or watching others hit. None of us want our toddlers to be bullies or bullied. I want to reassure you that it’s far more likely the child you’re describing is hitting as a part of normal two-year-old development.

In general, two-year-olds are learning to express themselves. When it is comes to negative feelings or experiences, young children usually don’t yet have the words to use in the moment. Many react first with their bodies - hitting, stomping, pushing, squeezing and even biting. Even the most pleasant babies can have bouts of physical reactions.

We can help our young children use words and more appropriate ways to touch others. Supplying the words related to the feelings will help the young child identify both their emotion and an appropriate alternative to hitting. When the child is about to hit, the adult can gently stop the child’s hand and say, “Say, ‘I’m mad.’”

We can’t monitor our toddlers 24/7, of course. In situations where one child strikes another, it is most helpful to give young children clear and quick directions, such as, “No hit.” With clear redirection and modeling, their verbal responses will become more effective and frequent as they approach three years.

Of course, none of us want our child to be the target of these pre-language attacks, no matter how normal. Acknowledging the feelings associated with being hit is as important, “that hurts.” It is equally important to help the child communicate to the hitter: when your child is hit, teach your child to say “Don’t hit me.” Children must learn to directly communicate with those who cause them harm or discomfort.

Check out the techniques used by his teachers. Ask what messages they send to all children hear when there is hitting or pushing. How do the teachers support both the hitter and the child who is hit? By coordinating strategies with your child’s teacher you can help him learn these supportive strategies faster.