When Grandparents Rules are Different.

How do I get grandma and grandpa on the "same page" as me regarding discipline? We are in a huge fight about our differences but I still need them to watch my toddler.

You’re not alone. Spouses, relatives and friends often share in raising young children. And no matter how close those relationships are passionate differences of opinion about child rearing and discipline will surface.

It sounds like this conflict grew larger than you expected. Perhaps by apologizing for some aspect of the conflict you can start up fresh communication and show your general appreciation for your children’s grandparents’ participation in their lives. This may restore some trust, ease tension, and set the tone for more productive future discussions.

A place to start is considering how to handle disagreements in the future. Start with an example of something neither of you would do like giving a toddler ice cream as a morning snack. Talk about the issues from your toddler’s point of view. “If I say he can’t have ice cream and you say he can, the next time I say ‘no’ he will probably throw a tantrum. I know if I were him, I would want the ice cream too.” Acknowledge that you both want the same thing: a well-mannered, healthy child.

What is the motive behind Grandma’s advice? Does she want to be more connected to you or helpful with the children? Is it a disguised attempt to affirm her own parenting choices (“I spanked my kids and they turned out okay”)? Unfortunately, sometimes advice can be an attempt to exercise control in what is still an immature parent-adult child relationship. Broadening your understanding of her motives may make it easier for you to negotiate your differences or find areas of shared interest.

It may also help to remember that “every family has different rules.” It’s okay to use this phrase with your son when navigating time spent with grandma and grandpa (and, eventually, with school-age friends). Acknowledging that reasonable people can approach everyday situations differently also builds your own credibility with him: you’re simply noticing—not passing judgment—on his grandparents or on other families who make different choices.

Pay attention to the times when the discipline is not appropriate for the age of your child. Many toddler behaviors—like tantrums—are both typical and annoying. They can bring out the worst in all of us. Forewarn your child’s grandparents of a particularly difficult developmental stretch of child behavior (or a bad night’s sleep). Likewise, give them room to talk about annoying behaviors without getting defensive. Reinterpreting the annoying behaviors from the child’s point of view may also benefit everyone.

You’re right to want to work this out: as they say, “the days are long but the years are short.”