Nap Time

My three-year-old refuses to nap during the day but then is up in the night multiple times wanting to snuggle. I'm pregnant again and am so tired. I feel that I should somehow honor the "need" to snuggle, but there’s a direct correlation between the not napping and the up-in-the night festivities. When he falls asleep in the car or is over at Nona's and sleeps during the day for even a half hour he then sleeps through the night. I'm the one that does nap/quiet time and am also the one getting up in the night. Do you have any suggestions?

Between the ages of 3 and 5 children transition away from daytime napping as their internal need for sleep shifts from the newborn that sleeps 75% of the day to the 5-year-old who needs about 10 hours per night. For some children, to nap or not to nap is a quick, easy changeover. For others, intermittent napping, shortened sleep (either nap or night) or zoning out in front of the television take the place of predictable afternoon siestas. (Children who attend childcare where there is a mandatory rest time may fall asleep during the day and as a result sleep fewer hours at night.)

Unfortunately for parents, the reliable 2-hour nap break in the middle of the day evaporates at inopportune times. Many parents rely on this time to do laundry, complete paperwork or check email, and—like you—catch some extra zzz’s. Losing a predictable pattern is a hallmark of developmental transition that forces parents to rethink expectations for themselves and for their children.

It sounds like getting, what we call in our family, a "power nap" helps him feel more relaxed throughout the day and into the evening.  Perhaps his attempts to keep from napping during the day, stay with him into the night and disrupt his usual sleep routine.   

But the change in sleep is not the only important part of your question or of your son’s experience. From his perspective, there is a lot going on!

Three-year olds are working hard at the business of not being a baby or toddler. Their growing capacities allow them to try new things. At the same time, parts of being younger are still attractive. Sometimes we see a resurgence in separation issues, desires to “play” baby and use a bottle, or protests about going to sleep or sleeping in their own beds. These are all parts of the process of moving forward.

Pregnancy or a new baby in the house also adds to the developmental transition. Usually being the “big” brother means giving up being the baby, time with mom, or his crib. As he sees it, there isn’t any big advantage to being the older sibling.

And there’s also the magical relationship between mothers and their young children.  Of course, he wants to snuggle with you and you want to snuggle with him. Can you find time during the day to get in your snuggling so that you can get your rest at night guilt free? This is a great opportunity to enlist your husband’s help: having him take over the nighttime routine and spend more time with your son during the day will help them both prepare for your new duties with a second child.

When to stop breastfeeding? 

Our daughter is 16-months-old. I breast fed her exclusively for the first seven months. Since then she has progressed normally in her diet but before naps and bedtime she still wants to nurse. She also wakes up 2-3 times per night for breastfeeding as well. I am okay with breastfeeding her if she still wants it but how long is too long? Is this going to have a negative psychological impact on her? And once we do decide to stop how do we do this in the healthiest way?

The research shows overwhelmingly that breast feeding benefits both infant and mother during that first year. When to wean depends on you and your daughter, family, and culture. Some families value independence: others prize interdependence. In some cultures a mother spoon-feeds her child for the first three years. Others encourage self-feeding as the baby can sit up. Breast feeding is an intimate family and cultural practice. You’ve probably already found that others have strong ideas about what is “right.” Your job is to determine what is best for your family.

You’ve started the process of weaning by limiting the time and place. If you decide to take this a step further, I’d work on the night waking. In normal sleep, a child cycles several times a night between light sleep and deep sleep. During light sleep she is waking and her go-to soothing strategy now is nursing.

In general, weaning is a process of substitution. The key is to find something that is almost as desirable as the closeness and security of nursing. The process of night-weaning is trickier if you are co-sleeping: you might want to read the February 2010 post on the family bed.

Long-range you might want to encourage sleeping through the night by enlisting your non-breast feeding partner to sooth her and gradually reduce her need for nightly contact. Transitional objects, like a blanket or stuff animal, can be good company for someone learning to self-soothe.

Before taking any further steps, however, identify what the end of nursing means for you. Engage in weaning only when you are fully committed. For some women, there is a very natural mourning process. Others feel relieved. Acknowledging your feelings and commit to a plan before enlisting your parenting partners in the substitution process. Good luck!