Crying when I leave?

Is it normal for my 2-year-old to cry when I leave her at childcare?

Many two year olds have limited vocabularies, particularly when emotions are involved. Crying is one of the tools they use to communicate thoughts, feels, and emotions. There are definitely times when it may be typical and appropriate for a two-year old to cry when a parent leaves him at childcare:

• The first few days or weeks of a new childcare
• When a teacher has left the center or moved to another room or when the child has transitioned into another room with new teachers, peers and expectations
• In family childcare, sometimes a new child in the home can disrupt the routine of the other children or the new child’s response to his separation can be a trigger for your child
• During times of family change: the birth of a sibling, change in bedroom/crib or house, loss of a significant caregiver, or increase in marital tension
• Sometimes major development shifts like increased talking, running or socializing can disrupt a child’s disposition

If one of these scenarios fit, I would repeat whatever assurances worked when your child was 9 – 15 months, when separation reactions typically appear. Your strategies may have included: spending extra time at childcare before saying goodbye; giving a two minute warning before leaving and then compassionately but firmly saying goodbye and reassuring your child that you will return; giving your child a transition object that reminds them of you (a picture or something from your purse or wallet).

Ask the childcare provider how long it takes before your child begins to play typically, smiles, and stops crying. Ask for examples or even for the childcare provider to videotape your child’s recovery so that you can be reassured. Also, it can be helpful to spend a morning in the childcare to better understand the routine and his relationships with his childcare provider.

In any of these situations, the crying should not persist longer than a few days or a couple of weeks as your child makes the necessary adjustments. But your child may revisit his need for reassurance with future changes. Some children are just more sensitive to change.

If the childcare and family situations have been stable and the crying is either persisting or doesn’t resolve as you would expect, then you need to put on your detective hat:

1)    Are there other situations in which your child has the same reaction?

2)    Has his child’s behavior, particularly his affect, changed or become flat?

3)    When you pick up your child is he slow to warm up to you, seem hesitant, withdrawn or overly excited?

4)    Is there any reason that your child would be worried about you? (It’s amazing how young children can pick up on a parent’s own issues.)

5)    Are your worried about your childcare arrangement? Trust your instincts.