Disappointment Meltdowns

Our family is struggling with our 6-year-old’s behavior. Disappointment hits him hard (not getting a favorite candy at a birthday party, not being chosen first at the soccer game) and he expresses it with the kind of meltdown we thought he’d left behind at age 4. My husband and I are really frustrated and don't know how to handle this. We've tried positive reinforcement (a chart emphasizing and rewarding good behavior), yelling (when we’re out of ideas), and talking it out (giving him alternative ideas for dealing with disappointment). It's not getting better: sometimes I think it’s getting worse. Thanks for your help and insight, Terrie.

The other morning our dog was barking at a squirrel. Worried about annoying the neighbors, I tried all of my usual tricks to call him into the house. Nothing worked. I stalked outside barefooted, scooped him up, and flicked him on the nose. I could hear the Dog Whisperer’s words in my head: “Teach him to come when called. Barking is instinctive.”  Our failure had been nine years ago when we’d bypassed dog training.

Raising kids is clearly more complicated than puppy training, but sometimes it does help to remember that some of our children’s behaviors are, likewise, instinctive. If his innate personality or genetic disposition is consistent with this recent behavior, it may be time to develop a new approach. That is, rather than trying to eliminate frustrating behaviors, it might be more effective over the long term to reframe your son’s strengths and challenges. 

Based on what you’ve told me, I’d guess that your son also has a strong drive to achieve, pays attention to detail, and/or enjoys competition. These traits can be really helpful in adulthood and are—in some family cultures—promoted.

The life-long challenge for naturally competitive persons is to learn how to be a graceful loser. Imagine that a colleague who receives the promotion for which you also applied.  After respectfully offering your congratulations, you might also duck into the bathroom to cry or call your spouse to complain. Children like your son are in the earliest stages of learning to use these more socially-appropriate strategies for handling disappointment.

How to help?

Label “Big Feelings” Some children experience emotions, disappointment and happiness with an added intensity. Letting children know that you understand they have “big feelings” can be helpful in explaining difference between children’s responses. It also can be helpful to let other shoppers hear you say (as your child is melting down in the middle of the store), “I know you have big feelings.”

Practice and reinforce handling disappointment. What is important is that your son’s skills at managing these situations improve as he ages. At age six, he can imagine himself in a situation, so role-playing and practice can help him prepare for managing his experiences differently. He also can benefit from helpful warnings “remember it can be hard for you when ____, so how can we help you?” Also, teach him acceptable ways or places for expressing his big feelings. “It is okay to cry when we get to the car.”

Make competition a choice. Children with “big feelings” can benefit from the choice about which activities in which they engage. If your son chooses to play soccer, then you can practice with him what his reaction will be if he is chosen first or wins and conversely if he is not first or loses.  

Too Young for Preschool?

I picked up my daughter from her first day of preschool yesterday and am questioning whether or not to withdraw her from the school. My daughter is the youngest student there (she won't turn three for two months). On the positive side, this program comes highly recommended, has an experienced and kind teacher, and wonderful curriculum. My daughter says she loves it and is excited to go again. My concern is that in midst of describing all the fantastic parts of her day, she used the words "I thought I was dying" to describe her fear when she almost fell down, Later she asked if she should "kill Harry"- our dog. I suspect that she heard these words from one of the older children. Would it be better to keep her at home for one more year (as she won't start kindergarten for three more years) or to accept that I can't keep her in bubble wrap forever?

Big developmental transitions like weaning from the bottle, changing from crib to a bed or starting preschool all pose challenges to children and parents. As we try to figure out whether our child’s reactions are typical, we second-guess our carefully-considered plans; compare our children’s behaviors to others, and our own ambivalence. I hear you saying several things. Perhaps by considering each you can gain clarity about how to go forward.  

When to start preschool? Research shows relatively few differences in kindergarten readiness between middle-income children who attend formal preschool or are home with primary caregivers. From my perspective the most valuable lessons practiced during the preschool years are the abilities to: form and maintain relationships; experience and regulate emotions; and learn through exploration and play. These skills can be learned and practiced in informal playgroups and/or in structured preschool settings.

Is preschool right for my child? After the first couple of weeks your child will be able to tell you if it is working. She may convey this in behavior instead of in words. Also, visit her class, get to know the teachers and children, and watch for clues. Is your daughter still excited to go to school? Does she talk about her teachers and new friends? Does she sparkle before and after school? Or is she unusually tired? Have her eating habits changed? Does she complain of body aches?

Bubble wrapping? Children’s developmental transitions are understandably significant for their parents: each new stage presents opportunities and losses. (My husband still talks sadly of when our youngest threw down his bottle and demanded a cup.) As children age, their circles of influence do grow. Remember, though, that you’re always the first and most influential teacher, nurturer, and companion. I encourage you to find a circle of other parents who let each other talk honestly about the joys, sadness, frustrations, and excitement of parenting.

How to respond to a child’s unusual responses? “Tell me more,” “what happened next?” or “how did that make you feel?” are really useful parenting phrases. Children often pick up phrases from adults, television and others, and reuse them without understanding the adult meaning. In addition, developmentally three, four and five-year-old children do begin to wonder about death. Figuring out what these new phrases mean to your child will help you decide if her repetition of them is a coincidence or a clue.