Back After Two Weeks

In the past two weeks, I have sent three adult children to college, opened a new site for Baby's Space's elementary school - Tatanka Academy, and vacationed with my husband.  With all of this busyness, which pulled me away from the blog, I still am grateful to: get a full-night's sleep; shower when I want; and complete a meal with adult conversation.  

There is no doubt in my mind that your job of parenting very young children is one of the most emotionally and physically exhausting jobs.  It doesn’t come with coffee breaks. There are no office assistants to run errands, or stimulating intellectual challenges. The days are long and rewards not easily quantified.  

My hope is that this blog provides perspective, strategies, and inspiration to support your great work as a parent, grandparent or teacher.  Please continue to share your wonderings and challenges.  I enjoy learning with you.  

In-law Differences

My father- and mother-in-law handle my two-year-old's tantrums in what I consider unhelpful ways. They taunt him while he is fussing (saying "Wahh, wahh"), they bring up past tantrums ("Remember your tantrum before nap because you were a bad boy?"), and they create tantrums by bringing up what they can't/won't deliver on ("Want to try some wine? Too bad, you can't"). They are frustrated by his tantrums and they show it. I'm not sure they really like him: they only see him a few times a year. Should I let it go or say something? Their family tends to avoid confrontation at all costs.

My guess is that many readers of this blog can relate to your situation and frustration. Whether they’re in-laws, close friends, or siblings, some adults employ really unsupportive methods of interacting with young children. Sometimes this can be a lack of skills, experience, or—as you suspect—a dislike for particular stages of development or behaviors. It’s not surprising that family members that generally avoid external displays of conflict dislike behaviors like whining that manifest disagreement, unhappiness or frustration.

Deciding how to manage these situations will depend on the extent to which these they negatively impact your child’s behavior, his relationships with his grandparents, and your respective relationships with your child and your in-laws.  

A few things to keep in mind:

• Children learn at an early age which adults are supportive and can be trusted. Rest assured that your interactions with your child have much greater impact than occasional visits from grandparents. 

• Older adults tend to forget the nuances of early childhood development and the impact of their actions. A simple reminder like, “He can’t trust your words if you tease” may help them evaluate their goals for their relationship with your son.

• Adult behaviors and family cultures resist change. Base your plan on what you can control (length of visits, time of day, activities) and rehearse ways of managing what you can’t (unhelpful or mean comments). 

• Evaluate whether your vision of your family’s relationships with your in-laws is realistic in the context of this family’s culture. The families portrayed in shows like Parenthood or Modern Family rarely exist off screen. Consider take yourself and your in-laws off the hook by accepting “good-enough”.

• Modeling consistent actions and language in response to your child helps your son and informs those around him. Often young toddlers whine because they simply don’t have the language to express their thoughts and feelings. In these situations, labeling the feelings and actions of the child can be helpful: “I know you’re really tired. You can say ‘I tired’.” For older children that can distinguish between their whining voices and regular voices, direct responses like: “Whining hurts my ears” or “I can’t listen to whiney words - only regular words” can be helpful.