Does Spanking Work?

I'm against all spanking, but at what age would you say a child is capable of understanding that the spanking is in response to the child’s behavior?  I greatly appreciate any and all help in finding the right answers.

Because many parents were spanked as children, many of us consider spanking our own children. It sounds like you reached your own decision about spanking but your partner, siblings or friends may make different choices. It’s helpful to understand the pros and cons of spanking as a form of discipline.

Embedded in your question is one of the most important of all: when is a child capable of understanding that being struck is in response to an unacceptable behavior? Assuming that a parent is using spanking when she is in full control of herself, consider the following scenarios.  

Some parents reserve a quick swat on the butt for the most dangerous of situations, like when a toddler runs into the street. This will certainly get his attention. But from the child’s perspective, he can only process one feeling at a time. While the parent is saying “don’t run into the street” the child’s attention is only on the physical discomfort. At that moment he can’t connect the two events. For spanking to work as a disincentive, the child would have to think ahead to next time: “if I run into the street then I will get spanked.” We know, however, that “if-then” logic is cognitively beyond a toddler.

An alternative strategy is to get down at eye level with your child. With your stern voice and face, say “No street!” Here, the focus stays on the behavior you are trying to prevent. It also allows you to offer a physical clue (a pre-emptive stern face warning) as a reminder the next time.

For many of us, spanking isn’t just a consequence: it’s the ultimate power differential (“Do what I say or I will spank.”) This may satisfy an angry and/or scared parent in the short term, but it doesn’t do a thing to develop the tools necessary for successful discipline in the teenage years. I think of toddler discipline as practice for the later parent-teen relationship: the same issues of boundaries, emotional regulation, and relationships re-emerge during adolescence. This is when you’ll want to have a firm foundation in place—not just a dramatic reaction. Clear communication, defined limits and consistent responses are the building blocks for raising healthy, productive kids. When you look at it this way, spanking just isn’t very useful.

Spanking often impacts the parent more than the child, especially if a parent spanks when s/he’s angry or if it results in a sense of relief or guilt. If this is the case, I encourage the parent to seek additional support (from a trusted friend or an early childhood professional). Parents’ lives can be overwhelming, with their multiple demands and disconnection from the joys of adulthood. Cycles of anger, punishment, and guilt often mask issues that fall outside of the parenting relationship.

Thanks so much for asking a thought-provoking and important question. 

Bothered by Sock Seams 

My child is so particular about his clothes. Even when the seams in his sock don't line up right he gets upset and can't function. Getting him dressed in the mornings is a nightmare. What can I do?

Preferences in clothing are often the first areas in which young children assert their independence. Wearing his same favorite shirt over and over, refusing to take off her ballet tutu, or wearing ruby red shoes 24/7 are classic toddler behaviors. Other children insist on dressing in a certain order – pants then shirt – or getting socks on just right. If these preferences are interfering with your relationship or his enjoyment, however, it’s time to put on your detective hat and gather more information.

Is it the way the socks feel on his toes when the seams don’t line up? When my son was young he’d pick out new shirts by running his hand inside them to see if the seams would bother him. He had, and still has, a heightened sensitivity to the ways things feel on his skin – whether seams, or heat, or mosquito bites. Do you notice your son having other sensory preferences/distress? For example, are there particular textures that he avoids?

Are there high-intensity activities that attract or repel him?

Answering these questions won’t “fix” the issue but may give you fresh insights you’re your son. Some children simply have a constitutionally-based difficulty in regulating sensory input. That is, their bodies are hyper- or hypo-aroused by touch, site, sounds and/or taste.  

If memory serves, parents’ frustration with their sensitive children can make us want to growl, “Get over it!” This is an understandable gut reaction. But children having difficulties regulating sensory information need our help as they learn to overcome their bodies’ reactions and maturational difficulties. A sock seam may feel to your son like a steel blade would feel to you.

Hopefully, your sleuthing will help you build an empathetic response and a clearer understanding of your child’s needs. Remember that sometimes the easy thing to do is the right thing to do: buying socks without seams may make mornings easier for everyone.

If your concerns persist, you may want a partner in your detective work. Bring your observations to your medical practitioner or school district. Sometimes a physical therapist or occupational therapist can be helpful in looking at specific sensory processing patterns. Remember that success equals understanding—not eliminating—the behavior. When you both understand your son’s sensory responses, you’ll both feel more in control, and better able to enjoy those everyday moments.