Using a bottle?

Do you think it’s okay for an almost three-year-old to still be using a bottle?  Last week, I was mortified by the dreadful look my mother-in-law gave me when I gave our two and a half-year-old a bottle to keep him quiet at a family wedding. 

Whether you are followed by paparazzi or at a family reunion, parenting in public is often difficult.  Especially with very young children, everyone seems to have an opinion about what is best for your child. 

These moments of nagging tension can be helpful reminders to reconsider patterns that may have developed out of convenience.

From your two-and- half-year-old point of view, he has a developmental need for comfort, reassurance or perhaps as a reprieve from boredom. He, like lots of children, may choose sucking—on pacifiers or bottles as his go-to strategy.

Parents of two-and-a-half-year-olds often support these strategies as well: pacifiers and bottles also satisfy the parent’s understandable need for their toddler to be comforted by something other than them. 

The important question is how does the bottle fit with your view of your child’s developing success? 

While very few kids start kindergarten with pacifiers or bottles, these behaviors often spark a battle for control between parent and child, especially as your child grows older. 

If the use of the bottle makes you as his parents uncomfortable or worried about your child’s development, then it’s time to make a change.  If not, then it’s time to develop a script that you can use to reassure questioning family members.

Making A Change

Take a few days to observe yourself and your child during a typical day.  Pay attention to the situations and times of day in which your child needs the bottle or pacifier.  Try not to judge or change anything at this point.

Children this young are sensitive to the people and stressors around them.  Is your family in the middle of a move, an illness, or financial crisis?  Is there a new baby in the home?  If so, you may be seeing an increase in your child’s worrisome behavior. 

If you decide to make a change:

1)    Prepare your child.

2)    Start with small changes and build success.

3)    Consistency is the key but remember it always gets worse before it gets better.

Leaving babyhood behind marks a big transition for everyone in the family.  

Positive Parenting 

I feel like I nag my two-, four, and six-year-old all day long—maybe because I do. Yesterday I heard myself repeating exactly what my mom used to say to me and my sister. I want my kids to cooperate with me but I’d also like to change the tone of my daily interactions with them so they don’t think of me as this negative presence. Can you help me with positive parenting before I turn into my mother?

I can appreciate your frustration, and applaud your desire to make your family’s everyday routines less of a grind. The following basics seem to work with most kids, whether they’re two-year-olds or teenagers:

Give choices to avoid power struggles. Saying “no” to everything is a hallmark of toddlerhood (not to mention the teen years). “No!” the two-year old replies even when the offer is ice cream. Either-or questions like, “Do you want chocolate or vanilla?” not only avert toddler tantrums but can establish a positive, new pattern. In first grade you can ask that same child, “Do you want to do your math or reading homework first?” Doing the homework is non-negotiable but the child gets to be in charge of which subject to tackle first.

As parents, one of our jobs is to make the big decisions about how our children spend their time. It’s too much for a six-year-old to be able to respond to a parent’s inquiry, “Do you want to go to summer camp?” But a six-year-old who gets to make choices about her summer camp activities is less likely to resist the whole idea. “At summer camp do you want to learn to swim or paint?”

Be consistent. Slot machines pay out winnings on an intermittent reinforcement schedule. Gamblers know they’ll win if they keep playing: they just don’t when that pull on the lever will reward them. This is exactly what we tell our children when we’re inconsistent, and “give-in” to whining or tantrums: we increase the likelihood that our children will repeat these behaviors. Children, like gamblers, know that the more they persist, the more likely they are to get what they want.

The key is to decide what you really care about. Do your children always need to eat vegetables at dinner? Hold an adult’s hand when crossing the street? Wear clothes that match? Your priorities, of course, are informed by your experience, culture, and family’s values. It may be helpful, though, to clarify for yourself your family’s most basic values. If you find yourself “going to the mat” on something that isn’t important to you in the whole scheme of things (like matching clothes), let it go. This can reduce stress for all of you. It also puts you more often in the position of saying, “yes” instead of, “no.”

Putting it all together. Being consistent with offering choices is magic. However your child, like the gambler wants to know what happens if she tries it in a different way.  What happens when your runs ahead and crosses the street without holding an adult hand? In this kind of situation, you have a couple of options. If the child is still learning the rule, take her hand and re-cross the street to reinforce your rule and show consistency. For a stronger reinforcement, have the child sit for three minutes before re-crossing the street while holding your hand.  

Use humor. I know it’s hard to turn big emotions (theirs and yours) into opportunities for silliness, but in my experience it’s sometimes the only way out. If you find yourself backed into a corner or unwilling to follow through on the disproportionate consequence you’ve just threatened, change the subject by putting a mixing bowl over your head. Mock yourself by nagging the dog. Run screaming around the house and get your kids to join you. Laughter can clear the air and give you all a “do-over.”