Motherhood

I beat myself up over everything that I perceive I did wrong by my kids. If I lose my patience, have unreasonable expectations, or feel like I'm not doing enough to stimulate them. I stress out about it for days.

Being a mother is a juggling act between moments that are fabulous and moments that feel terrible. As a mother myself of three closely-spaced children, I remember chanting to myself to get through yet another snowbound day: “the days are long but the years are short.”

You’re not alone in feeling this way.

Motherhood is one of the only jobs where the tasks are endless, the rewards are years away, and the benefits don’t include coffee breaks or vacations.  It actually feels normal to hold ourselves to an older generation’s domestic standards while striving toward our own hard-won professional and bread-winning ideals. Modern motherhood isn’t easy.

Most of us are so busy criticizing ourselves, often because our “job descriptions” are self-created.  And, a well-done task may mean that our “client” is having a temper-tantrum in the middle of the floor.  At the end of the day, or month, or year, who completes our performance evaluations?  Most of us are looking around at other families comparing: “well at least my kid isn’t still using the bottle; wetting the bed; throwing tantrums; _____ (fill in the blank).”

One way to step out of self-defeating expectations is to set your own standards for being a good mother. What would it take to feel good enough at the end of each day? Reading a book to your child on most afternoons? Asking your child for forgiveness when you forget to “Use your words” and lose your temper? Relaxing your schedule to reduce stressful car seat transitions? Letting go of the Perfect Mommy ideal means eventually letting go of exhausting self-doubt; and replacing it with stronger, healthier, truer perceptions of ourselves and our mothering.

Try this: on a piece of paper, list all of the qualities that you think define a good mother. Write whatever words come to your mind until you can’t think of any more. What do you notice about your list? How did you arrive at these answers? Can you find some clues as to where your expectations of yourself originated?

Now ask yourself if you (or anyone) can live up to these standards, 24/7. Unless you only listed “female”, I suspect the answer is no. Consider which of your expectations are truly important to you and essential to your family. Have you left any positive qualities out, like playfulness? Now make a new list—a short one! I hope this process of defining what you’re willing to commit yourself to will make you feel powerful, like you’re your own ally again. Let me know how it goes.

Preschool Screening

My son has his preschool screening coming up next month, and it makes me wonder if he's doing what he's supposed to be doing at 3.5 years.  Am I supposed to be working on reading or arithmetic?  I know he's very smart, and I worry about whether I’m challenging him enough.

My guess—from the thoughtfulness of your question—is that you’re already encouraging your son to reach his full potential through play, helping him make friends, and following topics or activities that interest him. Supporting his early childhood development isn’t so much about making an extraordinary effort as much as it’s about pausing for ordinary, everyday moments: a natural science lesson occurs every time it rains or snows. Math becomes real as your child discovers that his sister has more milk than he does, or you comment on the circle-shaped head he drew on his picture. Reading skills emerge through night-time stories, noticing the letters on the cereal box, and learning to write his name. Chances are that your son is right on track.

Preschool screenings measure a child’s progress toward mastering the everyday skills he’ll eventually need for kindergarten. The point is to make sure he’s progressing— not to make sure he’s already mastered them. Below are some indicators of kindergarten-readiness. Remember, though, that he still has a year and a half to show mastery.

        1.      Speaks in five to six word sentences.
        2.      Follows rules and directions that you give.
        3.      Ask questions and remains on topic while answering.
        4.      Matches letters and knows the ones in his name.
        5.      Understands that print is read from left to right and
                 from top to bottom.
        6.      Uses a mature grasp to hold a crayon or marker.
        7.      Dictates a story with detail to someone who writes it
                 down.
        8.      Knows shapes, and measurement concepts of “same,”
                 “less” and “more.”
        9.      Puts on and ties footwear.
        10.    Handles toys and materials appropriately, and puts
                 them away.
        11.    Plays with other children in his age group.
        12.    Uses crayons, pencils, markers, scissors and paste.

Preschool screenings make most parents anxious but all they are is an opportunity for the school district to identify children whose development may be off track and might qualify for extra support. This is a good thing: best practices show that early interventions are very effective, and that these screenings can identify needs that even the most attentive parent might not notice. A child whose family is used to their daughter’s speech pattern may not even realize that her articulation makes it difficult for others to understand her.

Remember that the range of “normal development” is very broad: the vast majority of children sail through their preschool screening without a hitch.

Talking with teachers about autism

My five-year-old son will enter kindergarten this fall. He has Autism Spectrum Disorder, but is on the higher-functioning side of the spectrum. He currently attends a regular education classroom in a kindergarten readiness program. My question is related to the lack of knowledge of ASD among early childhood and education professionals. Do you have suggestions for how parents like me can help education professionals better understand kids with ASD, especially kids like mine who may likely attend regular education classrooms?

As you already know, medical and educational practitioners are still trying to fit together the pieces of the ASD puzzle: it’s a steep learning curve for everyone and there is tremendous variation between children. For the foreseeable future, being the parent of a child with ASD means spending a certain amount of your time and patience educating other people. It’s a tough job but a privileged one: you will always be the best ambassador of your son’s strengths, preferences, and sensitivities, no matter what his teacher’s professional experience. He’s lucky to have you as an advocate.

Your district is likely to have on staff—or access to—professionals who are knowledgeable about ASD. A phone conversation with one of these individuals now may give you a better idea of what to expect next year in terms of the district’s knowledge-base and awareness of resources.

It might also be helpful to meet with your son’s kindergarten teacher at the beginning of the school year. Showing that you want to support your child’s success, development, and learning as a team can lay the groundwork for a long-term, mutually-helpful relationship. In the long process of diagnosis, you’ve likely come across some helpful print and online resources. (If not, your state’s Autism Society website is a good place to start.) Once you’ve established a good rapport, these third-party materials may be good starting points for future conversations with teaching staff.

Educators appreciate friendly communications that save them valuable class time, and take the guesswork out of engaging new students. Some specific suggestions for this meeting: develop a quick handout for the teacher that describes your child’s strengths, favorite activities, and tested strategies for success. This gives you a chance to prioritize your concerns, and the teacher will appreciate a written “cheat sheet,” especially in those hectic early weeks. Describe the kind of activities your son will engage in during a typical school day like reading, free-play, outside time, transitions, and peer interactions. Does he do better with a timer, body language cues, or verbal warnings about transitions? Does he like to be touched on his shoulders but not his head? How does he react to loud sounds or group activities? What situations are likely to pose a challenge?

Let the teacher know how, when, and under what circumstances she should contact you. Mention that you want to hear about your child’s successes as well as his challenges. Most important, communicate that you’re looking forward to supporting suggested new strategies for reaching and teaching your son. You may even want to consider offering some volunteer hours to distribute information or provide informal leadership on ASD. Let me know how it goes.

Toddlers sharing? 

My toddler won’t share his toys. As soon as a playmate or his younger brother comes near he grabs them all, even the ones he’s not playing with! I tell him he needs to share but if I take the toy away, he throws a tantrum. How do I teach him to share?

First, let’s take you both off the hook. While we’re all concerned about raising empathetic and generous children, sharing just isn't really a toddler skill. The ability to share emerges as your child’s understanding of the world and of other people develops, and his emotions mature. To understand the benefit of sharing, you have to understand someone else’s perspective (the other child) and recognize that he’ll eventually get something in return.  Basically, toddlers only know that sharing means that somebody else gets the toy. The hallmark of a toddler “play date” is two children doing the same thing by themselves while sitting next to each other.

There are a few strategies to manage this period of time, remembering that successful sharing really is on the horizon:

Provide multiples of the same toy. Rather than having 3 different trucks, sometimes having 3 identical trucks is easier on everyone. This is particularly important for highly desirable toys, like riding toys. Toddlers have a hard time waiting for a turn without a fun alternative. While multiple toys might sound expensive, garage sales are a great resource. Your toddler won’t care that the plastic riding car’s wheels are worn: just that there is one for him and one for his friend.

Ask yourself if the other child cares. If the answer is “not so much” it really is okay to distract him with another toy. You're not taking advantage of him: you're managing the situation. Sometimes a younger sibling just wants a toy but doesn’t actually care which one. With a playmate, you can explain that while your son is having his turn, you want to show him three other fun things. Introducing new toys can make the “prized toy” seem less interesting.

Focus on turn-taking. There are those times when toddlers just need to take turns. The key is to keep the use time short and have concrete reminders of when the turn is over (e.g. counting to 20, setting a timer, or at the end of a song). For both the “waiter” and the “sharer,” acknowledge how hard it is to wait or take turns. The great part, is when the turns taken are short, children can practice waiting and having a turn: the building blocks of sharing.