Summer Balance or Lots of Classes?

I’m planning for the summer and am trying to decide between signing up my toddler and preschooler for summer camps and instilling "quiet time" and peace. There are so many opportunities when you live in the city. How much is enough?

Metropolitan areas where opportunities for gymnastics, hockey, and swimming lessons for toddlers compete with yoga, ceramics, and cooking classes for preschoolers, are also filled with parents like you asking the same question. Comparing your family’s schedule to those of the neighborhood children (or against strong marketing campaigns) can make you wonder if your child will be at a disadvantage if she doesn’t have tennis or piano lessons before entering kindergarten.

For many parents who are dedicating considerable resources—emotional and physical—

to their children’s development, it’s tempting to let “doing things” become the indicator of the quality of the job they’re doing as parents, and to believe that structured activities predict their children’s future success. The key, I believe, is to focus on quality not quantity.

In last week’s episode of Parenthood, the full-time employed and at-home mothers resolved their differences by signing-up their 4-year-old daughters for clay class. I thought everyone would have been better served if the mothers took the clay class and let their daughters have an unstructured play date!

Finding balance between structured and unstructured time is a lifelong pursuit.  Following quote by Ester Buchholz: “it’s a challenge to remember that quiet time has purpose."

As you plan for the summer, reflect on your life-long goals for your children. Few of us have reached our childhood dreams of becoming Olympic athletes or concert pianists (for great insight into the pursuit of excellence, read Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, 2008). And yet most of us lead personally abundant lives: we’re compassionate, creative individuals who value relationships and find joy in a number of pursuits.

I advise making a list of your options. Then ask yourself which pursuits will truly add to the abundance of your children’s lives, whether now or in the future.

 Baby's Point of View
Driven by the baby’s point of view, this TEDxTC presentation compels us consider the significance of everyday moments in the lives of young children. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqSBWEjRggs

Head Banging

I have a 21-month-old son who is having a hard time. Sometimes when he doesn’t get his way he bangs his head on the hard-wood floor or the wall two or three times before crying in pain. I try my best to stop him but he head butts me before crying and cuddling in my arms. I am afraid he may really hurt himself. How can I help him identify, understand and regulate his feelings? Should I be concerned about any long-term damage?

Toddlers have small vocabularies and big feelings; tantrums often become the default setting. Because they have such limited resources for understanding their feelings – let alone for managing them—waves of frustration flood their bodies. Sometimes, the only option is to open the floodgates, hit the wall, or collapse in your lap.

With limited cognitive capacities, toddlers are clueless about adult rationale for limit-setting. “One cookie, not two” makes no sense to a toddler. Unfortunately, a screaming child can make life unpleasant, particularly when you’re tired or taking your son out in public (or both). The good news is that this stage usually only lasts for a few weeks. It may still feel unbearable but with a few strategies in your hip pocket, both of you can survive this bump in the road.

Label “Big Feelings” A toddler experience emotions – disappointment, anger, and happiness - with huge intensity but little self-awareness. Identifying the big feeling, “you are mad” can help the child begin to build a shared understanding with you about his emotions. Following the identification with reassurance like: “I can help;” “I know you are mad;” or “I am right here;” can decrease his worry and increase his confidence at being able to regulate. Emotional regulation is something that children learn over time in the context of caring relationships.

Red Cup-Blue Cup Anticipating disappointments can be helpful in reducing the number or length of tantrums. When you need to set a limit, think “red cup-blue cup” (giving him a choice while you remain in charge). Present alternatives of something he can have or do. Other examples: “Walk or carry?” “Shoes or coat first?” When he can’t make the decision, which will happen, you make it for him: “Okay, mommy helps - shoes first.”

Keep the Language Simple As adults we often use lengthy explanations to discuss conflicts. Once a toddler starts down the path towards a tantrum, his ability to understand what you are saying decreases dramatically.  The more words you add, the less he understands, and the greater the frustration. Use only a few words and keep them reassuring. “I know you are mad.”

Acknowledge When It’s Over A toddler lives in the moment but sometimes adults do not. When the tantrum is over, it is helpful for both child and parent to acknowledge that it finished. “All done mad. Let’s go play.”

With consistency, this, too, shall pass. If it doesn’t or if you’re still worried, please contact your medical provider or school district. 

When Worries Are Too Big

I am an Early Childhood Special Education Teacher working with a 2-year-old with significant anxiety. Her mother would like to get help for her, but the providers she’s contacted don't work with children under three. How do I help her find mental health providers in the metro area for a child under three?

Thanks so much for reaching out on behalf of this family. 

The Minnesota Department of Human Services, Division of Children’s Mental Health has been building awareness of the importance of early childhood mental health, and developing a statewide cadre of mental health practitioners who will work with young children and their families. Many Twin Cities mental health providers now provide this service. You can contact Catherine Wright, Early Childhood Mental Health Coordinator, MN DHS, at catherine.wright@state.mn.us for referrals.

For readers outside of Minnesota, check with your state’s agency in charge of children’s mental health services, universities with graduate programs in early childhood mental health, or local mental health organizations.  Several states like Michigan, Massachusetts, California, Florida, Colorado and Minnesota have significantly expanded efforts to offer mental health services to our youngest and most vulnerable children. 

You may be wondering why a two-year old would need mental health services.  In training, I usually suggest using three simple questions:

• Is the infant or toddler and his/her caregivers having difficulty forming and maintaining relationships?
• Does the baby express a full-range of emotions or spend most of her day displaying neutral, sad or worried expressions?
• Is she able to engage in exploration ad learning with delight and interest?

If the answer is no to any of these three questions, the parent can fill out a screening measure on social emotional development (I recommend Ages and Stages Social/Emotional) and/or contact a specialist in early childhood social emotional development. Prompt assessment and diagnosis allow the practitioners to develop a plan to alleviate the symptoms, and redirect the child and family back to the path of typical development.

Prefers Mommy

My one-year-old daughter has begun to favor me over her father, especially in the morning, before bed, or when she gets hurt. She actually screams if he tries to pick her up. My husband is taking it personally and is getting jealous of my relationship with our daughter. Is this a developmental milestone or is it a matter of me being the one who usually takes care of her needs (diaper, feedings, bath, bedtime routine, etc)? My husband sometimes does these things, but quickly hands things over to me when our daughter becomes cranky. How can we work together?

This is one of my favorite questions, mostly because in families with two responsive and consistent parents preference is both typical and changeable. Our daughter as a toddler demanded “Dada, no mama!” Both she and you are fortunate to share parenting with another committed adult and rest assured that preference will go back and forth many, many times.

The key is to manage our feelings as adults. Here are a few helpful strategies:

Understanding Child Development Infants and toddlers are figuring out their role in relationships, how to get their needs met in more complex ways, and how to communicate. It is quite typical for very young children to work on this in the context of one special relationship at a time. Having a go-to-adult is a sign of healthy and robust development, particularly during the first two years of life. As she gets more of these strategies down, she will naturally broaden her network of go-to-adults.

Support Each Other While it feels great to be the go-to-adult and not so great to be “number 2” there are advantages and disadvantages to both. Maintain clear and supportive communication with each other, and remain willing to hear about each other’s parenting experiences. Believe me, the strategies you develop in supporting each other now will pay off in spades when your children are teenagers!

Build Favorite Activities Each parent and child can build a repertoire of favorite activities to do together. My husband was the one who read books and tucked each child in at night. He still talks about this as one of his favorite parts of parenthood. Being involved in everyday activities is the primary way in which relationships are built and maintained. Even with a year-old baby, it’s not too early to each think about the rituals or favorite activities that you want to share.

By staying supportive of each other and your daughter’s process of developing relationships, you’ll both keep your eye on the long-range goal of raising a healthy child.